Jacob~
Seventeen years ago, you were growing inside me, and I wondered what day we would celebrate your birth day. They told me you were due November 11th yet somehow I just knew you would be here in October. You arrived October 22, 1992. This day is your birth day, when you were born still and quiet.
Two was a common number for you, as twice a day you would get the hiccups. Then one day there were no more hiccups…and the tiny rapid flickering beating of your little heart was gone from the ultrasound screen. It seemed so wrong, so impossibly surreal that our dear Dr. James Ottolini was telling us you had died. He was as puzzled as we were as to what had happened to you. There would be no answers until you arrived…late that night. Then we knew...
The umbilical cord was wrapped around your neck 7 times. Your dad said it looked like a snake coiled around. I am glad I did not see the cord around your sweet little neck as that would have simply been too much for me to comprehend. Officially your cause of death was due to Accidental Cord Strangulation. Does anyone else see the irony in how you died? The very thing that gave you life for nine months, took your life in mere minutes.
I do not know why but this year is so hard, harder than the last 16 have ever been. I wish I knew how you would look as a young man of seventeen. In my mind I can only envision you as the sweet baby boy that I held you in my arms that October night so long ago. I remember holding you for the first time, and how I counted 10 long slender fingers, and 10 soft sweet little round toes. You had the cutest little nose. You were a beautiful baby!
I wonder how I will ever find you in heaven…Will you know who I am? I have always felt how eloquently The Dance by Garth Brook describes the delicacy of life. That summer as you slept by my side I was on top of the world. As I carried you inside each day knowing you were growing longer and stronger each day. I felt you, I felt us as we lived in one body, our hearts beating in rhythm to each others. As I held you in my womb and close to my heart for those nine short months, I held everything. Somehow I had known all along that you would only be here for a short time. I kept asking our wonderful doctor how far along I needed to be for you to have a chance of survival on your own.
One blood test had come back abnormal and the standard was to have an amniocentesis to verify the results, but there is a risk of death to the baby during or after the procedure. Although Dr. Ottolini strongly suggested we have the amniocentesis, I flat out refused, as the risk to you was simply too great.
How insanely crazy that a mother is forced to say goodbye to her baby before she ever gets to say hello! I wish I had known that night you kicked me so, that you were telling me goodbye. I am so sorry I could not protect you little one. Please forgive me, although I am not able to forgive myself for failing you from the beginning. For now I will go…please know I love you and I will love you for the rest of my life, until I can hold you once more as I come through Heaven’s door.
Mom
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